I want to remember this

I want to remember this….

As I am wishing for a little baby to hold, Z to get into PA school, us to start a new life…. I want to remember these simple times… these times that I love:

 

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I want to remember this…. I want to remember getting into a car accident but Z putting his arm out to protect me first. Spending the few days after our accident laying around the house and just loving on each other. Cleaning, reading, praying, thinking of the future…. then taking a long walk with Kylee and laughing till our bellies hurt because she couldn’t get her little ball out of the river.

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Watching you play your ‘beloved’ XBOX game… sipping wine, watching a show on my computer, snuggling with KyKy… I want to remember this….

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Going to sleep together after working all day. Cuddling throughout the night. Days with just me, you, and Ky. Going to bed when we want… waking up when we want… going out to eat when we want… you spoiling me with ‘prizes’.

I love this life. I don’t want to forget it….. through every season…… YOU, Lord, are GOOD….

 

XO,

Caroline name

Morning Routine

Hi friends,

I wanted to share what my quiet time looks like in the mornings. Granted, they don’t always look like this. Sometimes I read a few verses in the bath or while I’m getting ready because I’m rushed or I’ll read at night, or during my work day if I get a chance. But for the most part, I try to start my day off in The Word and in prayer. When I do this, honestly just sets me up for a better day and in the right frame of mind.

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I usually start my day around 6:30am, I take my dog out, get a cup of coffee and then sit down on my favorite couch with my pup right beside me. My bible and notebook are always laying out on our living room coffee table. It’s just easy to keep it there and easy to grab in the morning. Sometimes I’ll leave it open to where I am reading so later on I can easily glance or read it once again.

 

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One of my favorite parts of my bible is that it was passed down to me from my sweet grandma who is now with Jesus. I love seeing her notes that she has left behind. She was such a God fearing women who I strive to be like daily.

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Right now I’m reading through the bible in a year. I was so excited to do this, still am. I have never done this before and God has been wrecking me and teaching me so many things through His word. But let me tell you, it is not easy. It’s a lot of reading per day and a lot of information. I try to pray over my bible before I read that The Holy Spirit would speak to me and show me what He wants me to hear from The Bible that day. I’m pushing through and any encouragement & prayer during this time would be appreciated 😉

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After I read my passages for that day, I will usually write down what I have learned or doodle some of my favorite verses from that day’s reading. I don’t want to forget what I’ve learned and sometimes I go back with Z and tell him new things God has been teaching me.

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I’m also usually in my PJ’s still when I’m reading. I like to be comfy and not worry about getting my work clothes messed up 😉 Ha.

After reading and doing some writing, I will get out my prayer journal. If I am running out of time before work I usually grab this and put it in my purse to do later or do it in the bath, but I love being able to just sit, pray and write on my little couch.

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In my prayer journal I’ll have requests to God, my worries, prayers for my Hubby, family, friends or prayer requests people send me. There is beauty in looking back on prayers and seeing how God has worked through them.

Please let me know if I can pray for you in any way ❤

Also, please know that this is not always a perfect process. Sometimes I wake up too late, I run out of time, or (honestly) I get too lazy. But all in all this is how I try to do it and this is what works for me. I would love to hear what works for you!

Thanks for reading!

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XOXO,

Caroline name

 

God is the God of emotions

Hi friends,

God is the God of emotions…. amen?

I feel like my head is spinning, I can’t form rational thoughts, I can’t think, I feel crazy, emotional, and helpless.

The worst part… depression.

I hate that word. I really do. I have fought against it my whole life… but it’s caught up to me. I feel helpless and scared.

But…. God is still good. Even through the hardest thing I have ever been through. I want to remember that. God is still good. God is still faithful. God is still there… and I will wait for Him.

I’m reading through the whole bible in a year. I’m only in Exodus and God is wrecking me in some seriously cool ways. Man, women in the bible were hard core. Moses’ mother literally put her son in a basket and put him down the Nile to save his life. Kissed his sweet little crying tear filled cheeks and pushed him down the river. Man…. If she can do that, I can get through this hard time.

I love you Jesus, thank you for wrecking me.

That’s all.

Caroline

 

Caroline name

 

Rejection/ Redemption

Hi friends,

I’m upstairs in bed at 7:00pm because I’m exhausted. I’m tired, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m hurt…. My sweet husband, the purest soul I know, got rejected from his dream PA school. My heart breaks. It physically hurts when the person you love the most on this earth is hurting. I can’t explain the feeling but it’s physical.

I’ve been meaning to write but I can’t put my thoughts into words.

Then I stumbled upon this picture…. We weren’t even officially dating yet. We were “talking” as the youngin’s call it these days ;)… He had put his arm around me for the first time and this is our first ever picture taken together. My heart leaped when I saw it again today. It brought back so many feelings of when we were dating and couldn’t stand being apart.

I’m upstairs reading my book, he’s downstairs watching TV. But I’m gonna go downstairs. I’m going to snuggle up next to my hubby and tell him how much I love him (even if he thinks I’m just being emotional, which usually I am).

 

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To finish up, I’ve been having trouble praying lately. I can’t find the words to speak. My emotions and thoughts are running wild. ‘what will our future hold?’ ‘When can we really start a family?’ ‘WHEN will he ever get into PA school.” Then after listening to Lysa Turkhurst’s ‘uninvited’, I learned when it’s hard to put your thoughts into prayers to pray Psalm 91….

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Surely He will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.
 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.
 If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” and you make the Most High your dwelling,
 no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent.
 For He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
 He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
-PSALM 91
Thank you, Jesus.
XOXO,
Caroline name

I want to remember this

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I want to remember this.

I want to remember the way I felt when my manager yelled at me. When she told me I wasn’t good enough. When the passive-agressive looks and words hurt more than any physical pain.

But mostly I really want to remember the way Zachary prayed for me in bed at mid-night. The way he sat in the bathroom while I cried in the bathtub.  The way he made me chicken, mashed potatoes and salad because that’s all we had in the house. We laughed and danced. We barely had two pennies to rub together. But we were happy.

I’m not stuck. This is a chapter. And I will enjoy it.

I can’t control the way people act towards me, but I can control my attitude and emotions towards them… and my joy that comes afterwords.

I want to remember this. I want to remember making memories and joy.

 

Caroline name

 

Patience, my love

 

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Hi, friends!

Lets cut to the chase. There’s basically three kinds of women in this world:

  1. Women who never want children
  2. Women who like children, and probably want children one day
  3. Then there is women like me: Women who were BORN to be a mom and cannot hold it together when they see a baby. Sometimes frightening the mother of the child.

Ok, a little bit of a joke…. little bit. But honestly, I was born to be a mama. I remember being 5, okay like 5-13 and I would ask for an american girl doll every year for Christmas. My wonderful parents always blessed me with another american girl doll but when girls my age started asking for make up and I still asked for “baby dolls” my mother had to ask me if I was sure I wanted yet another doll instead of something else. My answer to her question was a mater-of-fact, “yes, mama, I want more babies.”

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”
Galatians 5:22

Galatians 5:22 is my verse for the month. Man, has God been speaking to me through this verse.

Patience… Have you ever looked up what it really means?

Noun: “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”

Without getting angry or upset…

I don’t know about you, but I need to work on my definition of being patient…

I was being patient, I thought… until I read the definition…. Without getting angry or upset. Ok maybe I’m not always angry about waiting, but upset? It’s basically my middle name.

So this morning I’m sitting here and counting my blessings. Being in the present time, not looking and longing for the future…

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I’m thankful for:

  1. My sweet Hubby. Always so caring about my thoughts and feelings
  2. Kylee, my perfect little pup
  3. Our cute home. So cozy and sweet
  4. Family members who live so close
  5. One of my best friends, Tori, who I can go to with anything and she always will stop right there and pray for me
  6. Weekends: Long Saturday mornings in bed, then sipping on coffee and reading my bible and listening to worship songs. Sunday’s spent with my church family then sitting by the fire and watching football
  7. Ability to read my bible freely. To be able to carry it around and open it whenever I want to
  8. God’s provision in giving Z and I both great jobs to bring in money for PA school for Z
  9. My 2 silly sisters and 3 sister-in-laws who are always so caring and loving.
  10. My #1, my whole heart, my whole soul, my sweet Jesus who is so good, so perfect, so understanding. I don’t thank Him enough. He’s always there, guys, so close. He holds me so near to Him when I’m in a season of hurt or waiting.

Ten things. It’s that easy. I already feel more content. Your turn….

Caroline name

 

Fall family photos!

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Hi, friends! It was a beautiful Sunday here in Fallston, Maryland! We woke up, went to our sweet church, I took some Engagement photos for my sister-in-law, Mallan, then spent the rest of the day at my parents house watching football and eating yummy food! To wrap up the day I got dinner with my friend, Abby and now I’m snuggling on the couch watching some TV with Ky before bed. Sadly, Z is working tonight so it’s just me and Ky here for the night.

I’ve been trying to find passion and joy in my life these days and God has opened my eyes to some incredible things! I’ve had a passion for photography all my life but recently I’ve grown to love it more and more! Below are some pictures of my sweet sister-in-law and her fiancé that I took today!

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It was such a sweet time with them and Z helped me out the whole time (we make a great team!) So while we were out there, Mallan snapped a few pics of us that I am just swooning over! Here are a few…

 

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Isn’t Kylee just the cutest in that last picture? I could kiss her all up.

I just loved today, and had so much joy doing something I loved next to the people I love.

I also finished my Photography Website! Take a look HERE !

Happy Sunday, and hope everyone has a joyful Monday!

XO,

Caroline name

 

I can breathe again

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Hi, friends!

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged, and since I’ve been home for over a week recovering from surgery (tonsillectomy), I figured this would be a perfect time to share some thoughts about two weeks off of work!

First of all, who all of you who think that getting a tonsillectomy is a simple procedure (which it can be for people under 15) IT’S NOT for adults. It’s hard core and you need all of those two weeks to sleep and get better.

So, I wrote everything above two days ago, and fell asleep writing it (hello pain meds). Let me just tell you a little about my night. I fell asleep last night finally feeling a bit better after almost two weeks of miserable pain. Z was cracking me up as usual and we went to bed early falling asleep watching TV together in bed… Suddenly I woke up choking on something (which I thought was just spit, gross, sorry) which turned out to be blood… A blood clot burst in my throat and there was blood everywhere, I’ll spare you the details… So from 3:00am-6:30am Z and I were in the emergency room. Luckily I stopped the bleeding but they wanted to do a few tests to make sure everything was okay.

When we got back at 6:30am Z and I were both exhausted so we slept until about 11:00am. Then we ran a few errands and relaxed for a bit. I was exhausted, and I felt as if on top of my tonsillectomy I was getting sick. I thought I was finally feeling better and then this hit me. But God… guys, BUT GOD. He’s so awesome. And so is my Husband haha, he has been my rock these past two weeks.

Below is a picture of Z setting up my humidifier that is DREAMS, guys, really. Then my sweet Kylee and hubby snuggling next to me.

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So all of this to say, God is so in control and is still so good even through the roughest situations. These two weeks off have taught me so much.

  1. I needed these two weeks of rest and two weeks spent with Z. We have grown together and prayed together more than ever.
  2. I’m so thankful that I can now breathe at night.
  3. I’m learning to thank God for being able to work and get out of the house during the day.
  4. GOD is so good, and so near ALL the time.
  5. Live in the moment. I’m such a future worrier but this has taught me to worry about the day I am in, today has enough troubles of it’s own.
  6.  You know the quote “what if you had tomorrow what you thanked God for today”? It’s kinda silly but I’ve been trying to thank God more. For everything. Literally everything I can think of. It changes perspective…

I read today Matthew 19:26 which says “Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.””
I have heard/ read this verse about a million times, but guys, I needed to hear this a million + one times today. I NEEDED it. God is so good, everything is possible with Him. I felt worried about getting sick, worried about bleeding again, worried about getting back to work and all I have to do at work, worried about not getting better in time for work, but God, God calmed me down and looked at me and told me that it’s impossible for me to do anything without Him. He showed me how much I needed Him today. I’ve given up friends, I’ve given up and given it all to God and it’s such a weight off my chest. You should too… I can breathe again, not just because of my tonsillectomy but because I’ve given my worries to God, because HE can, I CAN’T. Deep breath. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

Lastly, so many prayers for everyone preparing for hurricane Matthew. So scary. God be near.

XO,

Caroline name

Battle with myself

Friends,

This was me this morning. Watch the video. You won’t regret it. Go. Right now. Watch it twice. I had to watch it three times. My mind was there this morning. I knew I needed to get into the word, I wanted to get into the word, but my heart wasn’t there yet. Satan had me this morning. He was winning… for a little.

I woke up earlier than usual. My heart ached. Let me try to explain this in the best way that I can. But first, everyone is different, you might be different. You might not have anxiety, you might struggle with anxiety more than I do….. But when I have anxiety, this is how I feel:
Out of it. Tired. Shaky, nervous, like someone is sitting on my chest, like I can’t move but I want to run. Like all of the little things in life that are making me worry are eating up the happiness and joy that may be even greater or more abundant.
That’s the best I could come up with. It’s hard to explain, honestly. Almost impossible. This morning was one of the worst.

There are some things going on that add to my anxiety, but this anxiety today was just crippling, and I couldn’t quiet pinpoint it.

But God…

But God lead me to Psalm 42…. David is literally fighting with his gap between his head and his heart. But… God told him to WAIT.

“Why are you so downcast, my soul… Put your HOPE IN GOD” – David in verse 5.

How do you wait on the Lord?

Position yourself in the waterfall of grace, as you walk in obedience. One step at a time, one day at a time. ASK God to make Him your treasure, to bring you JOY….. and you wait. WHY? Because they who wait on the Lord, He will renew their strength….

Caroline name

Gentle and Quiet Spirit

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Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”
-1 Peter 3:3-4

Friends, reading this during my morning time with Jesus really hit me. My goodness, this passage couldn’t be MORE opposite of me. I’m loud, I like fancy clothes and lots of jewelry. My spirit is as anxious as they come, and I’m the farthest thing from gentle. But God… He spoke to me. He knew I needed these words. He knew I needed to be calmed down.

Now I’m not saying that clothes are bad, that having fun and being loud is wrong, but theres a season, and there’s a time where God wants you to be gentle in spirit, and I needed to hear these words today.

I have anxiety. The type of anxiety that leaves you needing sleep. It’s tiring. My brain goes 19732873 miles a second. I feel rushed at all times, even when I have nowhere to be. I feel as if I have so much to get done and no time at all. Calm down, Caroline. 

This verse told me that it’s okay to not worry about what you have to wear today. It’s good to be calm, gentle, kind, and quiet. It’s okay not to worry or be anxious. It’s okay. Now work on it.

I’m preaching to myself mostly. But maybe you needed to hear it, too. Starting now I’m going to work on it. I’m going to not rush through my morning devotions, I’m going to look the check out lady in the eye and ask her how she’s really doing, I’m going to take my times at my stops (marketing rep probs) today and really focus on the words I’m saying to people. What if you’re the only hope or kindness in someones life today? If that’s true, wouldn’t you be more intentional and gentle about what you have to say to them?

Praying for this today. Can I pray for you?
careelizwillis@gmail.com

XO,

C